Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Boogie 'Til You Poop

When one of the funniest and most outrageous things imaginable happens to you and is caught on film, I reckon it's your duty to share it with the world.


Boogie 'til You Poop from Cedar Wright on Vimeo.


Sooo...  some background info:

This was filmed during the Squamish Mountain Festival for Cedar Wright's Squamish in a Day video.  The festival is always a highlight of the summer and I was heavily involved this time, giving a slideshow on opening night with alpine legend Barry Blanchard, teaching a clinic, and deejaying at the afterparty.  The Thursday night is always one of my favourite events, the pro photo shootout.  I was feeling especially festive that night because four of my friends were featured: Jon Walsh, John Dickey, Andy Burr, and Paul Bride.  I remember lots of free drink tickets and people refilling my glass with the exceptionally potent Howe Sound Brewpub beer.  I was not in fine form the next morning, but was awoken early by Cedar on the phone, reminding me we were going to go filming.

Cedar wanted to shoot me on the 5.11 off-width Boogie 'Til You Puke because as he said "off-width footage is always the best".  I was pretty sure that even in my weakened state I'd have little trouble with the pitch, as I had done it a few times before and never considered it a 'hard' off-width.  I don't consider myself a great off-width climber, but for whatever reason on alpine routes or bigwalls, I always seem to be the one who has to lead them.  Cedar mic'ed me, and the bulky hardware sat in my front pocket of my pants, getting in the way of my technique.  I felt quite queezy, and had to use the bathroom a few times already that day.

I grunted and sweated my way up the pitch, it certainly felt harder than it should have.  I finally passed the crux, and was tired of pushing up the only cam that would fit, so I left it in place, hand-stacking and knee-locking my way to the top.  I was quite run-out when the crack tapered down slightly in size so I remember squeezing my hand-stacks extra hard and really working to properly wedge my knee in.  I remember having the need to crap but holding it in.

When my knee became stuck, I tried to remain very calm and rational.  I did my very best to determine how it went in and reverse it, but to no avail.  The pain was extreme.  After several minutes I told Cedar he had to come down and help me out, it felt quite serious.  At least 25 minutes went by and despite Cedar's help, my knee remained stuck.  Quite a nightmare, really, I didn't know what to do.  I figured I must have gone in to shock, and would have thrown-up had I not been so dehydrated.

The need to go poo was overwhelming and the decision to just crap my pants was somewhat voluntary.  I thought it was worth it to be able to focus all my energy on getting my knee out.  Finally, I told Cedar just to pull as hard as he possibly could, I was willing to do anything to get free.  It hurt like hell, but with a good tug my knee came free and Will lowered me to the ground.

Andy and Cedar were unsure of what to do with the footage, they knew they just shot some of the best climbing footage ever but the release of it could be potentially damaging to me.  I was willing to look like a total chump on the internet if it would give the greater community pleasure.  It was my duty.  I told them they had to use it, it would go viral, and I would ask my sponsors for a raise.

I guess it's all sex and poop-jokes that really sell in this world.  It's funny that I'm trying hard at this pro-climber thing, trying to sell something, but no one cares about the routes I climb.  I crap my pants on camera and I get an inbox full of fan mail...

7 comments:

April said...

You are not a chump for crapping your pants, you are a CHAMP!!!!!!

PANT PISSER said...

ALL'S I AM SAYING IS U ARE THE REAL DEAL! A MAN WITH NO SHAME MAKES THE PANT PISSER PROUD!

I THINK I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE!
A MINI WEB SERIES OF:

PANT PISSER vs. PANT POOPER



I look at my fingers when I type and didn't see caps was on but too lazy to re-type all that.

Iain said...

All I can say is, "Thank You" for sharing! I do feel a bit bad for saying I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I hope you can eventually laugh at it too. Sometimes it is best not to keep things like that to yourself. Besides, it builds character, right?

JK said...

Iain,

I am mostly just a joker, I've been laughing about this since it happened!

Chris said...

I say you have a real chance of landing big sponsors now, like Depends... could be big!

Anonymous said...

dude, that IS funny shit. but you don't look like a chump, at least not for anyone who has climbed off-width, or to anyone who has ever pooped their pants (such as myself).

Brett said...

Nice brown-point!